‘The Midnight Library’

Trigger warning: suicide

I first came across the author Matt Haig on an episode of the Deliciously Ella podcast. 

At the time, Haig was promoting his 2018 non-fiction book, ‘Notes on a Nervous Planet.’ As I listened to Haig talk, I was struck by how openly he spoke about his mental health issues. Having faced my own mental health challenges—both before and after my cancer diagnosis—I found myself deeply relating to the difficulties he spoke about. I rushed out to borrow the book from my local library, and I very much enjoyed Haig’s unique viewpoint on the inherent madness of our modern world, coupled with the easily digestible nature of his no-nonsense writing style.

Earlier this year I got round to reading Haig’s first non-fiction book ‘Reasons to Stay Alive,’ which is an honest account of the time the author found himself standing on a cliff’s edge in his early twenties, willing himself to jump. Both of Haig’s non-fiction works are formatted the same way; his chapters are varying degrees of short and span a wide range of subjects, often alternating between witty and poignant musings on Haig’s life and humanity in general. I’d recommend ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ to anyone struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, as well as to anyone who’d like an insight into what those illnesses can feel like.

Haig’s latest offering, ‘The Midnight Library,’ is the first of his fiction books that I’ve ventured to read. The story is centred on Nora Seed, a thirty-something year old woman who finds herself haunted by all the ways she imagines her life should have been. Nora is perpetually dissatisfied and tormented by regret; perhaps she would have been happier if she had only taken more chances, or maybe if she’d lived her life in a way that hadn’t let so many people down? Nora can’t seem to stop asking herself the dreaded what-if questions:

What if she’d never given up swimming? What if she hadn’t called off the wedding? What if she’d been brave enough to move to Australia?

And then, after Nora is let go from her job and her beloved ginger cat is found lying dead in the road, Nora starts to wonder if there’s actually anything left for her to live for. Maybe it would be better for everyone if she wasn’t around anymore? Nora decides to take her own life—she opens the bottle of anti-depressants she’d been prescribed and swallows the whole lot. Nora loses consciousness, only to find herself standing outside a library—the midnight library, to be exact— where time stands still. When she enters the midnight library, Nora is shocked to discover that there are an infinite number of green books on an infinite number of shelves. A woman who looks an awful lot like Nora’s old school librarian, Mrs Elm, explains to Nora that each book in the library contains an alternate version of Nora’s life; lives that have been shaped and changed by even the smallest of decisions. The best part? Nora can pick up any book she likes and try her other lives on for size. If one fits, maybe she’ll be lucky and get to stay in it forever.

Although Haig’s book is dealing with heavy subject matter, I’d describe it as being a light read. This is, in part, down to the fact that most of the lives that Nora decides to try on are quite a bit of fun. In one life she’s a rock star, in another, an Olympic medal winning athlete. There aren’t many unforeseen twists in this story—the narrative eases you through each series of events in a manner reminiscent of a gentle Sunday stroll—and you’ll likely see each plot point approaching from a mile off. And yet, this book did get me thinking. As cancer survivors, we can’t help but wonder how our lives would have been if things had gone differently. I’m certainly no stranger to what-if questions, and sometimes it feels impossible to let them go.

What if I’d never got cancer? What if I hadn’t achieved remission? What if the cancer comes back again? These are the questions I find myself asking a lot.

And then, beyond these choices that were never mine to make, there are all the choices that I did make. Like Nora, sometimes I’m not sure if the life I’ve lived has much value to it. There are days when I don’t feel I’ve been true enough to my talents or my dreams, and there are days when I wish I’d given more back to the world. How can any decisions I make in a life after cancer—a life that is the very definition of a second chance—ever feel good enough? Sometimes, the pressure I put on myself feels as if it might swallow me whole.

It’s for these reasons that I found ‘The Midnight Library’ really uplifting. The optimistic tone and fantastical elements of the story allowed me to access the ideas about cause and effect, and the multiverse, with ease. For me, it was escapism at its best—escapism that leaves you feeling better about yourself by the end of it. Because, like Nora discovers, maybe I don’t have to understand life, maybe I just have to live it.